Why mainstream relationship advice doesn’t work for empaths...

It’s not because we are broken. It’s not because something is wrong with us, and we just need to learn to “be like everyone else”.

It is because we were born with a highly sensitive nervous system. We are literally wired differently than the rest of the population. This is a completely natural, normal phenomena that is present in about 15-20% of all higher mammals. And it has real repercussions when it comes to relationships.

Mainstream relationship advice says…

Try to focus on your partner’s needs, not just your own.

Use exercises to see things from your partner’s viewpoint, such as repeating their words back to them so they feel heard.

Take a deep breath and count to ten before erupting in anger.

State your needs clearly and tell your partner what you want from them.

But what if you instinctively do these things, and more?

What if you already obsess over the other person’s feelings, anticipate their reactions to anything controversial you might say, agonize for days before bringing up something that’s bothering you, and rehearse what you will say over and over in your mind to make sure it comes across as clear, non-judgmental, and not too harsh?

What if your struggles consist of keeping in touch with your own needs, an inability to handle conflict and intense emotions, and difficulty speaking up for what you want due to fear of backlash, abandonment, or disapproval?

Empaths instinctively try to see situations from the other person’s viewpoint and give them the benefit of the doubt. We can twist ourselves into pretzels trying to justify or explain away bad or confusing behavior, not wanting to bring up our concerns for fear of rocking the boat.

Being an empath in a relationship can feel like entering a snowstorm, where everyone else is dressed in a winter parka and thick boots, and you are shivering in a t-shirt. Other people can’t understand why the cold bothers you so much and why you’re so “sensitive” to every small gust of wind. It’s because you feel everything much more intensely.

The first step is recognizing that we don’t have the same experience in relationships as most other people. We need an approach that honors our sensitive nervous system, our caring nature, and our porous energetic boundaries.

Struggles empaths face in relationships

Feeling guilty for how much time alone you need

Very low tolerance for conflict and disharmony

Feeling like the “normal” way of doing relationships doesn’t make sense to you

Difficulty keeping in touch with your own needs when presented with the needs of another

Feeling like your role in life is to serve and cater to others while receiving little reciprocity back